As we are getting ready to leave for China there are some things that I think everyone should think about in regards to Tia. We know that everyone is excited to finally have her coming home, but there is going to be an adjustment period for her not just for us. I have read a wonderful post on http://www.chinaadopttalk.com/ titled "The not-so-rosy part" that I am going to post a portion of here. If you would like to read the whole thing please click on the link above and look for the title to the post. It is a great post and the comments that follow it are just a valuable. So here it is:
"This is not a newborn, but a child who already has a personality - one you get to figure out. She's been ripped from all she knows: the people who've cared for her and kept her alive, the language she's been around since birth, the food she's accustomed to, the other kids, her schedule, her crib, her cribmate.
It's all gone, and she's with these people she's never seen before, and she can't understand what's being said, and the food is different. Scared and grieving doesn't begin to describe her emotional state.
Some babies completely shut down and appear to be autistic, but after three or four days they start coming around and you begin to see the real child. It can take weeks (or months) for the grieving to stop, but after several days you should begin to see little pieces of their personalty. Other children have different survival mechanisms and you'll immediately see a little bubbly charming temperament, but doesn't mean there's no grief - it could be their survival instincts are telling them to be cute and lovable.
We all know this transition to a family is for the best in the long run, but the child only knows how they feel right now, and they're scared and mad and grieving. Some move through it faster than others. Many seem to work through it in China and then backtrack once you get them home.
When you're in China they still hear Chinese in the restaurants and out on the street, they still get some Chinese food, they still have the unique smells of China around them. However, once you're home, everything familiar is gone. By then you've probably switched them to American formula, they likely aren't getting congee every morning now that it's not on a buffet, you probably can't make steamed eggs exactly like they were in China, the smells are different, and no one is speaking Chinese around them anymore.
They might be able to keep their minds off all of this during the day, when they're active and have much to keep them occupied, but when their mind starts quieting down to go to sleep it all comes back, and the grief can be all-encompassing. Some babies can't quiet down without grieving, and sleep becomes next to impossible. Combine this with jet lag and it's a waking nightmare for everyone in the house.
There will also be control and manipulation issues. Even a 9 or 10 month old will try to gain control of something, anything, so they don't feel so helpless. Maybe you can let them have it in some instances, but in others you'll need to make sure you remain in control. Follow your instincts on this one - they need boundaries in order to feel safe, but letting them have little pieces of control may also help them. How do you know when it's best to give in and when it's best to be firm? You fly by the seat of your pants and hope you get it right.
You've been waiting for this child for a really long time, but she knows nothing about you. She's scared and will act in ways you cannot currently imagine a little 15 or 20 pound baby could possibly manage."
"I see people talking about how happy their child will be to finally get a family, but that just isn't the way it works. I worry families are setting themselves up for problems by having expectations that aren't likely to happen.
Please take this time to read about attachment. Not just attachment issues, but attachment in general - how attachment happens, red flags that attachment may not be happening and ideas for how to foster attachment.
Also, read about sensory issues and other things that may pop up in post-institutionalized babies and children.
If you have "What to expect the first year" book, understand your 10 month old baby may not be doing what the authors say a four month old baby should be capable of. This is completely normal, and most children catch up at an amazing speed. The rule of thumb I've always heard is babies develop one month for every three they're institutionalized - so a nine month old child will have the developmental skills of a three month old, and 18 month old may only have the developmental skills of a 6 month old.
Your child may have been strapped into a potty chair for hours a day, and laid in the crib for most of the rest of the day. Of course they won't have the developmental skills appropriate for their age.
Your baby may have been gravity fed, and never learned to suck. She may not be cable of drinking from a normal bottle. You may spend months getting her to the point that she can pull liquid from a normal nipple, and those sucking muscles are important before she can learn to talk, it's all related.
I'm not saying the first couple of months are going to be all bad - there will be wonderful moments, too. I'm hoping to get the point across that you need to be prepared for some difficult times. No matter how frustrated you are, at least you know what's going on. It's your job to comfort this child when she's scared and grieving and screaming her little had off from 11:00 at night until 4:00 in the morning almost nonstop. It's your job to make her feel safe and loved, and that's not always and easy thing to do."
I think this is one of the best posts. It brings some realty to it and makes you think. We are all excited to be bringing Tia home, but we have to remember she may not be just yet. She will have her adjustment period just like the other children. Maybe she will go through it in China, and maybe not. We will have to wait and see and be there to comfort her along the way.
The next post will be that we have arrived in China!!
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